Why I don’t drive a car

Posted: August 9, 2016 in poetry
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

police-accident-3-15-2011-0031

Sometime in the early 2000s
I was running my own business messing with people’s brains
Playing with the brains of crazy people to make them feel better
I convinced a very senile psychiatrist
To prescribe me dexamphetamines
Once I got them I was pretty stoked
When I ate a lot my brain started whizzing and whirring
Speeding off my head for months and very happy to lose some weight
They had an unfortunate side-effect of making really horny and desperate for love
It sucked having a boner and nothing to do with it
So I chased any woman who crossed my path and really started to get a bit out of control
Of course, despite chemical enhancement I was getting nowhere
My predatory sexuality had become a big worry
I was starting to look a women with a razor-wire mind, seeing them only as objects

So a smart woman warned me I was creepy and put up with being a friend to guide me
One time I was over at my smart friend’s house
She gave me ten clonazepam
Which probably wasn’t smart
Thinking I was a badass I ate them all
Then I tried to drive home
Too many benzos are not good for driving
What happened is a whirligig blur of lights and cars
Then I ran into the back of a cop car
Writing off my precious little pulsar
While stoned out of my gourd
I have no memory of how it happened

Anyway they busted my ass and took me for a blood test
Which didn’t find the benzos
But did find a shit-load of THC
As I was smoking like Bob Marley in those days
Still do
Done for driving under the influence of drugs and dangerous driving
I got a three thousand dollar fine which took ages to pay off
And banned from driving for a year
I lost my license
I lost my business
And my dignity
So I’ve not bothered to get a license again as it just seems to lead to trouble
I’m a terrible driver and it’s now been so long I’d have to take the test again
So that’s why I don’t drive

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