Posts Tagged ‘depression’

scream

Back ensconced in ward 8 Bentley Hospital in my flytrap mind

At least I’m with my crazy people

Suicidal ideation with cold claws of depression around my throat

Empathy and cigarettes as I meet the gentle mental

Telling tales of trauma as we lurch toward medication time buoyed by companionship

Memories of their voices

‘She was born a heroin baby’

‘I took an overdose of Valium and a shitload of antidepressants’

‘I tried to kill myself twice’

‘I wish I was dead’

‘I tried to hang myself with a sheet and the nurse found me’

People rendered fragile by the viscous blender of earth

Some think us hopelessly broken

We balance madness and sanity in our brains sometimes madness wins

Medication time, medication time

Drugs are shuffled by doctors and dolled out to wild-eyed victims of the societal meat-grinder

Titration of pills and prescriptions to quell anxiety, depression and delusion

Uppers, downers, round and rounders

Anti-psychotics, anti-depressants and heavenly benzodiazepenes

Then we sit outside in the courtyard to smoke to punctuate our day

Sharing cigarettes with noble depressives or exploring thought projection with shamanic schizophrenics

We dance a devilish dance in a rain of paranoia

Until it all becomes too much

We are sad, we are sometimes shattered

Sometimes hard to love

But we laugh and we smile too

Then howl out the agony of our souls

We will keep trying

To get our heads together

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depression

The crackle of clumsiness

As I attempt to communicate

While drunk as Boris Yeltsin

And only end up freaking women out

And being that creepy guy

That incel waste of space exuding desperation

When I was just trying to be friendly

And not trying

To get into their pants

Or at least trying not to think about it

Or look like I was thinking about it

After the first rejection

Comes the second

And that’s okay

It’s after the hundredth rejection in a row

When not even looking for anything sexual

That the depression really sets in

Like a cancer of the brain

depression2

There is a terrible inevitability to this day and the next

Get up, do some random shit, feel unsatisfied

Do some more shit, fantasize about unobtainable women,

Wank, feel unsatisfied

Say something stupid, feel embarrassed

Go back to bed, feel unsatisfied

Try to sleep

Fail to sleep

And suffering goes on and on

As things continue to go wrong

Everyone everywhere has their own special variety of bullshit to deal with

Tedious repetition

Iteration after iteration

Until death

depression

Too much hate

Too much pain

Not enough love

Suffering again

 

Too many victims

Too many lies

Fucked up system

Innocence fried

 

More misery drifts in

Like acid rain

Eating out the body

No memory remains

 

Sinking in self pity

Feeling like a creep

Can’t take it anymore

Yet again can’t sleep

 

How much longer

Enveloped in dirt

Sunk below a graveyard

At least it doesn’t hurt

 

cannabis-cup-640x401

Cones make patterns in my brain

Cones will never fuck your veins

Cones make music shimmer and sing

Cones make life a better thing

Cones make sex a funky thrill

Cones are much more fun than pills

Cones will clear up your depression

Cones will help your self-expression

Cones are crumbly, cones are green

Cones will never make you mean

Cones have brought me stoner friends

Cones will make your suffering end

screee

greige pile of rocks
tumbledown scree
spotted to darker grey by rain
morbid cloud-white day
sunless tedium and depression
spitting rain on rock intermittent
granite embellishment footing a towering cliff
broken rocks- pebbles to boulders
misarranged stochastic pile leans a triangle against vertical cliff
rock-fall upon rock-fall building
a home for lizards and snakes
who sun themselves on the rocks
Occasionally
whisper wind blusters the rain horizontal
rain spatters rocks to dark lead grey
caves and crevice network formed in the scree
home for night creatures
rock logic of stone on stone
impervious to reason or water-colour
too grey
too dull
too empty
we look up and dream of flagrant suicidal leaps from the top of the cliff
to splatter the greige rocks blood-red and organic
painting a more interesting image than this
greige tedium
grey-shadowing mass
of rocks and stones
fallen down to crush
nothing

Depression-1364630455-842-640x480

Sometimes the worst feeling is no feeling at all
Five days past sad
Staring at walls
Struck numb and dumb by the awfulness of it all
A desperate infinite fall
Empty of all passion
Far from compassion
Reamed out shell like an insect exoskeleton
Full of nothing
Void of love
Vegetable man
Hollow, hollow
Without purpose
Dead inside and desolate
No meaning can be formed from a mass of contradictory sensations
No drive or energy
Like a fucked up old shell of a car
Can’t get out of bed
And when a friend asks how I’m doing
I stare into the vast panoply of human suffering
And can only answer
‘I don’t know’

Curry

Posted: April 18, 2015 in poetry
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Indian_Curry_Chicken

Full belly of curry
Bloated in my comfy chair
Swollen like a tic full of blood
My internal monologue is death by myriad wounds
I eat too much
I don’t exercise enough
Women don’t like fat men
I suck dead dogs’ dicks
I killed Kurt Cobain
Will I die alone in this rented room like a cockroach
Will I fester and freak till I’m bat-shit crazy and end up back in hospital
Will I wander through life like a lost stranger down endless suburban bitumen
Carving away my personality with psychic razors
Never knowing connection to the rest of humanity
Forever burnt out and busted like a dead lightbulb
Staring up the asshole of death
Hello world I’m here
I’d like to get to know you
I’m not sure if you’ll like me
But I’m here
Stoned and impeccable
Close to beyond hope
Growing my toenails
Sharpening my fangs
And inhaling paint

kurt_cobain
Tell Mum and Dad this is not their fault
They always loved me
But it was not enough
They couldn’t protect me from jocks, surfs, and other dickheads
I can’t take it anymore
This life is an emotional cesspool
This life is a hailstorm of razors
This life is a cannibalistic dystopia
This life is a napalm bubble bath
This life is eating the flesh of a new born baby
This life is spider eggs in the brain
This life is a pus-filled cyst the size of a tennis ball
There is no hope of finding someone to love me
I will not live if I cannot be loved

To my fellow outsiders, freaks and weirdos
You who lurk on the fringes of humanity
And feel a poison chill of loneliness down your spine
Find some reason to live if you can
But if you can’t
Then suicide is the ultimate in existential self-actualization
A transcendent ‘fuck you’ to the Cosmos
It has a certain wounded glamour

To all those who persecuted me
You were right
I was a waste of breath
I was a waste of life
I was a waste of strength it took to beat me up
I was a waste of time it took to reject me

Now I will fling myself from the bell-tower
And stretch my arms out like birds’ wings as I enter the maw of eternity
Splat!!

Scrape me off pavement
Into jars of minced misshapen misfit
Catalogue by components
Calculate viscosity
Then bury deep in the earth
You won’t miss me when I’m gone
May I be a forgotten footnote in extensive life-scripts
Of more attractive human beings

handsup
Who wants to die?
Hands Up!
Pigs bleed from an assortment of orifices in the slaughterhouse:
Treacle blood snakes down the drain.
Offensive
Pungent
Like emotional napalm from the mouth of a black angel
Like a skull-shrill yelp of a dog beaten to death with a tire-iron
Like maniac moaning from a storm drain
Like horrendous howls from a perforated soul
Like crazy chattering of skeletons’ teeth
Like skinning a live cat

Who wants to die?
Hands up!
Bludgeon bean bags
Bash pillows
Blast feathers
Beat meat
Such inconsequential actions
Are nihilistic metaphors
For nothing at all
Who wants to die next?
Hands Up!
Formica feelings
Frigid grimace
Cancerous asshole
Bleeds suburban angst
Far from important
Not even newsworthy